Healing Hearts Series #1 Walking Away
by Sharon Doyle
Summary: Tess' life is in turmoil after Jack's arrest.


Title: Walking Away  
  
Started: July 13th 2001  
  
Finished: July 29th 2001  
  
Disclaimer: As usual it all belongs to Southern Star and Channel Seven. I have used some quotes directly from Falling for authenticity.  
  
Genre: Angst/Romance (Tess & Jack)  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: This fic basically takes over from Falling and how Tess would have felt the night Jack was taken from her life. The title for the fic is taken from the Craig David song Walking Away and some of the lyrics have been used throughout. Also the lyrics from Elvis' song Return to Sender. This is the first fic in the series HEALING HEARTS.  
  
Feedback would be appreciated as usual.  
  
Feedback: Yes please! carolinecraigfan@hotmail.com  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"What did you think? I've screwed the Sergeant, now I can do whatever I want," sarcasm hurt and anger laces my voice.  
  
The words have left my mouth before I have time to think. Anger is controlling me.  
  
Jack's shocked I can see that. I don't care though. How did we get to this?  
  
He tells me it wasn't like that. We both say hurtful things, things that can't be taken back.  
  
The door slams as I watch Jack's back disappear from the office. God how much of that did Jo and Ben hear? The office walls aren't exactly sound proof. That was so unprofessional of me but then this is more than my job, my relationship is involved too.  
  
Jack has gone, stormed from the station. As I go over to the radio Ben informs me that he's taken his Ute and not a patrol car. Both Ben and Jo are avoiding looking at me. I guess that answers my question.  
  
I am angry with him, so damn angry, but at the same time worried about him. My stomach is churning with all these mixed emotions. I don't understand any of this. He seems to be intent on wrecking a perfectly good career. Why? I just don't understand what's driving him.  
  
Yeah, I know that all the screw-ups in his life lately are drug related. Maggie Doyle's death and the shooting but why stuff your life for an uncontrollable cause. Hell he's a copper; drugs will always be a part of the job. It's an evil we can't escape from.  
  
I can't help but wonder if I will see Jack tonight. Or have we gone past the point of no return? He asked if we were still lovers. I told him I didn't know. That wasn't really true. I was angry, heat of the moment comment.  
  
~ Sometimes people get me wrong, when it's something I've said or done  
  
Sometimes you feel there is no fun, that's why you turn and run ~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
All I want to do is go home, it's been a bloody long day. Having to deal with Jack when he's in this sort of mood is just a nightmare. It doesn't matter how hard I try to remain the sergeant I can't help myself. I feel that his actions are personal. Just before the boss left he cornered me wanting to know what's wrong with Jack. What could I say .umm we're lovers Boss and we had an argument so we're not talking now. That wouldn't have gone down too well. So all I could do was reassure him that I wouldn't let Jack's attitude interfere with my work.  
  
Damn!  
  
"Mt Thomas Police Sergeant Gallagher speaking," I say as I answer the phone call that is stopping me from going home.  
  
It's Jack, he sounds distraught. Something has happened; I don't know what he's not saying too much.  
  
"Just stay where you are," I tell him hoping he'll listen to me and better yet do what I tell him. Though the likelihood of that isn't great.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
"He fell Tess," Jack informs me, obviously deep in shock.  
  
I stand there simply looking at our suspected drug dealer.  
  
Dead!  
  
And Jack was here alone. How bloody stupid! Why the hell didn't he listen to me? I know the answer to that of course. Jack won't listen to anybody right now. He's a loose canon.  
  
Internal Affairs!  
  
Those blasted leaches will have to be informed. They manage to make even the most innocent person appear guilty. How will Jack cope with their intense questioning in his state of mind?  
  
Before long the crime scene is crawling with members. Shock is evident on everyone's face. A copper alone when a suspect dies, the implications are too much to think about.  
  
I attempt to comfort Jack but I'm not really sure how aware he is of what's going on around him. Has he thought about what lies ahead? The questions from Internal Affairs, not to mention the media coverage. He's in for a hell of a ride.  
  
~*~  
  
How right I was. Paul Donald was and still is out for blood. Jack's! I can't believe Jack asked me to sit in on the interview. In hindsight I guess I was the obvious choice. But was I there as his Sergeant or his lover? At the moment I don't know if I can even distinguish between the two Tess' where Jack is concerned.  
  
I told him I would do the same for any of my team. Of course, I would but with Jack there is a difference. I can't deny that the fact we're lovers doesn't play some part in the way we deal with each other at work. I care so much; I don't want to see anything happen to him.  
  
  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
I want to be alone with Jack.  
  
Why the hell did we come to the Imperial?  
  
It was safe. I wanted to play it safe tonight, but not anymore.  
  
"Let's go," I look up at Jack, can he see what's in my heart?  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
It's cold.  
  
I turn the fire on in my bedroom. Pointless exercise, before long I know there will be so much heat between us we won't need the fire.  
  
We make love.  
  
He's on top of me, between my legs, a sheet draped over us. He looks deep into my eyes as he thrusts into me, taking us both to dizzying heights.  
  
It was different this time. There was a desperation that we've never had before. It's not hard to guess why. He's been through so much tonight.  
  
I am stroking his cheek, watching him. He has his eyes closed but he's not asleep. If only, if only we could stay like this forever, wrapped in our own little world, cocooned.  
  
Jack wakes me early the next morning; there is only one thing on both of our minds. This morning we make love gently, tenderly. The desperation from last night is gone. This morning feels, almost sad. I have a vague uneasy feeling; I don't quite know what it is. I don't think I want to delve too deeply into it.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
Jack lied!  
  
He lied to me.  
  
He looked me in the eyes and deliberately lied. I was going to transfer for him. He knew! Obviously he knew he had lied. How bloody stupid am I? When we slept together he knew what he had done, knew he was lying to me. I think that hurts more than anything.  
  
What do I do now? I don't really have a choice do I? I feel like I am continually questioning myself. But I am a copper first. However much this is going to hurt me personally I have a job to do. PJ, he'll help me I know he will.  
  
~ Well, I'm so tired baby  
  
Things you say, you're driving me away ~  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
Murder!  
  
Jack has been charged with murder.  
  
I watch covertly as the others say goodbye to Jack. PJ, ever the big brother, Ben, good-hearted Ben. Jo is in tears and the Boss barely acknowledges him.  
  
I turn away, I so much want to run into his arms and hold him with me forever. What has happened? How did it end up like this? I never believed in broken hearts, I do now. I feel like my heart isn't just breaking, it's shattered into a million tiny fragments. I'm surprised the others can't see my devastation.  
  
I long to go to him, but I can't. I wouldn't be able to control myself, am barely able to do so now. He's hurt me, I can't even explain the pain I am feeling. I let myself open up to him; he found a side of me that no one else ever has. I showed him that side of me, the real Tess Gallagher. Now I am stuck trying to deal with my emotions under the mask of Sergeant.  
  
He must know how much I am hurting. So many questions I want, need to ask, I'll never get that chance now.  
  
Paul Donald is walking him from the station. I can't help myself, I raise my eyes. Can he see my pain?  
  
"The truth," Jack whispers.  
  
I manage a ghost of a smile. A smile, how could anyone smile in this situation?  
  
The truth, I told him to tell the truth, now look where that's got us. Us, we were an us. Now we're nothing. I have nothing left.  
  
The man I love is being removed from my life. And I do love him. I can't turn it off; it's not that simple.  
  
He's gone!  
  
Jack! Silently I am calling out to him. The pain in my body is real; it's definitely a physical thing. I feel like my chest is going to explode with held back emotions. I don't know how much longer I can stop the tears from streaming down my face.  
  
I feel like the whole station can see right into my soul. In truth PJ is the only one who has any idea that Jack and I are together. Were together!  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
It's raining.  
  
I'm crying.  
  
I'm in my room.  
  
We made love here last night.  
  
I need you Jack.  
  
I can't help myself, I'm alone now and I can't stop the tears.  
  
The pain is unbearable, but I have to live through it, somehow deal with it.  
  
Oh Jack! Why?  
  
I just can't understand, won't ever understand how you could ruin what we had together.  
  
Wasn't I special enough?  
  
Maybe you didn't love me the way I loved you.  
  
You can't have, there's no way I would have jeopardised what we had together.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
I glance over at the red numbers glowing eerily through the darkness, 12.42 am is that all. I am lying on the bed in a foetal position. When did I move? I can remember sitting on the end of my bed crying. I don't remember moving. My face feels tight from dried on salty tears.  
  
I uncurl and walk through to the kitchen. Only when my bare feet hit the tiles do I realise how cold I am. I look down to see what I am wearing. My clothes or rather Jack's clothes aren't suitable for this temperature. Jack's blue flannelette shirt is hanging open over his singlet, both too large for my small frame, and providing no warmth. When did I change from my uniform? I just don't know.  
  
I can't seem to recall the last few hours in any detail. Is it any wonder?  
  
As I turn on the kettle I reach into the cupboard and grab a cup. I'm not even sure if I want a drink, it's just something to do.  
  
The shrill whistling of the kettle demands my attention. I throw a teabag and some sugar into the cup and pour on the boiling water. I pick up the cup and turn to walk into the lounge room. Somehow, I don't know how, the cup slips from my hands.  
  
"Damn!" I mutter into the quiet room. I survey the shattered fragments of china and the hot tea plastered across the floor and up the cupboard doors. The mess seems to have covered the entire kitchen.  
  
I stoop down on my haunches amongst the mess and begin to pick up the shards. Mindlessly I watch as red blood mingles with the dark tea. Blood! It's not until then I realise one of the tiny pieces has sliced through the soft pad of my thumb.  
  
Fresh tears pool in my eyes, angrily I brush them away with the back of my hand.  
  
Damn you Jack!  
  
This is all your fault. An irrational thought but I don't care.  
  
Why did you do it Jack?  
  
Why?  
  
You lied to me.  
  
I will never forgive you.  
  
You took my heart and my trust and discarded both.  
  
You have betrayed what we had. I don't think you will ever realise the depth of my anger.  
  
Your selfishness.  
  
Your ruthless determination to be the renegade copper.  
  
You've ruined everything Jack.  
  
Your career.  
  
Our relationship, if that's what it was.  
  
It's over now Jack.  
  
No! I won't, can't ever forgive you.  
  
~ Well I don't wanna live my life,  
  
too many sleepless nights ~  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
I'm a mess!  
  
My feelings are contradictory to say the least.  
  
One minute I want Jack back here with me, the next I never want to see him again. And then there are those moments when I just feel numb, devoid of all emotion. I simply go through the motions of work each day, maybe the pub for a quick drink, then bed.  
  
I can't go back to the person I was before. That was the old Tess. I've changed, whether it's for the better well that remains to be seen.  
  
I sent a cheque to bail him out but Jack sent it back. Hey isn't there a song or something about that sort of thing. Sending a letter and it coming back.  
  
~ I gave a letter to the postman, he put it in his sack  
  
and very early next morning he brought my letter back  
  
he wrote upon it.Return to Sender  
  
address unknown, no such number no such zone ~  
  
  
  
In a way I guess it's kind of a closure. I know now that what we had is over. I thought it was love but now, I just don't know. Maybe I was kidding myself, thinking I was in love with Jack. If Jack walked back through the door I wonder what would happen. Would we be able to go back to where we were? I don't think so. Once trust is gone that's it. It's finished. Over.  
  
Trust, will I ever be able to trust again? And love, without trust there is no love, so where does that leave me?  
  
  
  
~ I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life  
  
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day  
  
I'm walking away ~  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
